Wednesday, 5 June 2013

The Sartorial Revenge of Whales


Whales are sick of humanity persecuting them, and who can blame them? They get angry at the endless senseless deaths and wasted lives; the harpoon in the flesh indicating the commencement of yet another “research programme”; blubber going down the neck of another overfed consumer who doesn't really need to eat a whale to have a healthy diet.

Sperm, Humpback, Pilot and Mike alike, they all realised that something had to give. They had balanced beach balls on their noses in acquatic parks for too long – it was time to make a statement.

And so their immensely powerful and creative brains plotted and planned beneath the waves.

Not long after, reports started coming in from around the world. Whaling vessels began to disappear, with no trace of them ever seen again and all hands lost. Tens of incidents. And then hundreds. More bizarrely, any burlesque or fetish photoshoot within spitting distance of water got disrupted, the models disappearing in a cloud of spray.

Ghostly tales came in of horrific sounds drifting onshore from banks of fog just out to sea. Screams, the sound of scraping, skin being peeled from flesh, near twitching skeletons being boiled.

After a year of this, a mass stranding of whales took place off our greatest cities. New York, London, Rio, and Tokyo. Cetaceans of every species from the smallest porpoise to the mighty blue whale. All were alive, and all very much wanted the world to see what they had done.

Every whale was clad in an enormous corset, made of human bones, tanned manskin stretched across them. The largest whales wore necklaces of skulls and thighbones adorned their tail fins like a pirate ship.

This time they didn't die quietly. Their point proved, they rolled their glistening, adorned forms back into the water, and nobody bothered them ever again.

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 05/06/2013

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