My Secret Tunnels, my Secret Bases

I have many fantasies, a secret agent alt-persona, who is always needing to get away in a hurry from the scene of my assassinations and bomb based sabotagings.

Alternatively, I accidentally ran over an oldster on my bicycle, and need to get away in a hurry.

I have various imaginings on how this would work. On one hand I have secret dens in nearby woods, or even little stands of trees in town, amidst unsuspecting houses. After doing my mischiefs, I find my nearest hideout, and my individual heat signature pattern opens it up to me and only me…the doors slide back like a mini Tracey Island, brambles and nettles moving with it.

And then I jump in, and the door slides back as if nothing had happened. IR cameras and ground penetrating radar are scrambled. I am totally safe. I have media, books, and a huge supply of rum. I keep changes of clothing inside, and disguises; a machine can bleach my hair straw blond in 5 seconds – envious ladies? – and change my eyes.

I always pick black-brown and bright blue eyes.

All this in a room the size of a living room. Ultrasonic showers. Body waste teleported out of you to the nearest treatment works.

(Reflecting on this, I realise the sci fi novella “A Plague of Demons” has something similar)

The cycle escape routes are a network of tunnels that just open up in the road, and slide me down into 2 metre wide underground Sustrans routes that link up my secret bases.

One minute I’m being chased by helicopters, the next minute I am gone, cycling deep underground with nightvision goggles on, planning my next daring act of subversion.

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 30.05.14

Cycle Torture Sex Dismemberment Death

Currently watching “Death Line” on Horror Channel, a movie featuring inbred cannibals trapped in disused parts of the Underground system...

There are many horror or more loosely, violent action, movies set on Public Transport. Various monsters and murderers have stalked the underground on both sides of the Atlantic, and we know of snakes both on planes and on trains. My knowledge on buses is a bit sketchier, but I'm sure we've had a few killings on a Routemaster or Greyhound at some point. Cars can be killers (Christine) or a handy venue for death.

There have been murdering Hells Angel bikers, and of course, the 1973 British movie “Psychomania” featuring Satan worshipping two wheeled fiends, killing themselves to come back us undead evil do-ers.

However, I struggle to think of films involving violence involving pushbikes. Unless you count BMX Bandits?

With ccycling on the up and up in this country, you would have though some innovative film-makers might have seen a market emerging for bicycle based horror. A violent revenge drama, involving London cyclists taking out bloody, intestine shredding revenge on motorists and loory drivers responsible for the deaths of their friend? Why not? What about cycle Ninjas, meting out be-sworded death from their Muddy Foxes, high speed slicing of footslogging Yakuzas?

A man installs a massive prong on the front on the front of his Trek, to gonad-ally impale flashers terrorising women on a lonely cycle track. A man fits razer blades to his bike chain to cut the legs of scrap thieves, another puts scythes on wheelhubs to cut in half insulting driver's cars; and their bodies.

Another lone cycling gun throws half bricks through the windows of scrap dealer trucks, laced with arrow poison frog venom. Scrappy skulls are then strung up to his handlebars, and there's always room for more.

Best of all, a team of crack cycling investigators unearth gangs of bicycle thieves in a small market town, and stake them out in a public place before performing bunny hops on their balls with studded ice tyres, before going home to have sex with Uma Thurman and the hot Nazi Frenchwoman from Inglorious Basterds.

Very very copyright!

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 02.01.13