Saturday, 12 April 2014

The Horrors of Catheterisation


Laid up, sick in every part of my body I was. I could lie half on my side in one precise, impossible to maintain position, that would stop me vomiting. Any other and I would hurl thick green bile out in to the charmless papier mache kidney bowls, as vomiting into a kidney will make you feel better.

I never dry heaved, as there was always some part of my stomach lining to tear out and disgorge, probably reaching down into starved duodenum. No food or liquid could be kept down

Veins had collapsed due to dehydration, re-acquiring line for fluid an endlessly painful series of stabs, infection setting in rapidly so the initial welcome coolness of the perfusing water was replaced by the hot inflammation of hungry bacteria. First patient opposite was dying, sharing a room with a nice old chap who's body was slowly shutting down. Second room-mate had a tracheotomy tube that spat out of the vagina like incision in his throat and bounced around the floor like a pen-top.

Defibs whining in the dead of night, woken too early. Could never rest. Forced upright for examinations, vomited immediately.

Through all of this my bladder would not function. The discomfort was unreal, underneath, alongside and above the nausea. I would drag a drip stand to the lavatory, begging for relief, and nothing.

The Emperor Tiberius, I recalled with no satisfaction, had executed men using a similar procedure. Sweating, near crying.

No relief.

I confessed all to the doctors. I had given up. I was now willing to undergo being touched; to undergo the most horrendous procedure I could think of.

Catheterisation.

Catherisation. The touching of my genitals by persons unknown, and then, the hideous, agonising violation by plastic tubing into my insides, a nightmare creature made to hurt men and women, and humiliate them, puking up my insides, puking out my bladder by force into some fucking bag, dangling at the end of my bed, symbol of internal failure, the young man so shit he couldn't even piss himself.

I was offered this stark choice, when I didn't think I would have any. Catheter? Or megadose of valium?

Easy,no?

I took the valium, and for the only time in my hospital stay, I was happy. The old men dying and ejecting breathing aids were forgotten...the nurses complaining about bed wetting patients, my own vomiting, all gone. Afternoon drifted by in haze, march sun drifting across the curiously barred window.

And as it passed into shadow, the problem was resolved

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 12.04.14

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