I was
reading yesterday that a new mobile phone app has been released for
the purpose of warning against shark attacks.
My
first thought was that it would only be much use on a waterproof
phone – Sony Xperia Z users, may your legs ever remain unsevered! -
and would presumably flash up huge letter warnings saying “SHIT!!!
BEHIND YOU!!!”
By
which time it would probably be too late.
Of
course, we know now that you don't just need a shark attack app in
the sea, oh no. Sharknado shows that if you are caught in a tornado,
you'd best turn on the shark attack app instead of the weather
warning one. Caught in the desert? Don't bother with google mapping
for an oasis; whip out your i phone and check for a shoal of sand
dwelling white pointers. And now it seems that a shark attack app is
needed as much for skiers as swimmers; avalanches are a habitat for
deadly ocean predators.
Heading
for Venice? Don't forget the shark attack app, and for the love of
god don't take a temporary job poleing gondolas about. Don't forget
the app if you are visiting a facility where octopus DNA is being
experimented on, and steer clear of swamps, prehistoric times, and
John Barrowman. And if you are Samuel L. Jackson, I'm not sure any
app could save you.
In
fact, just keep the shark attack app on the go at all times. Even
sitting on your sofa. For you never know, even the safest looking DFS
sale bought corner unit could house a deadly mako or hammerhead, just
waiting to leap out from the chintz and devour you, anus first.
Copyright Bloody Mulberry 30.12.13
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