“Um, I don’t think this film is
really suitable” said the soft dad, the former failed labour
candidate for the town, as his two children and I watched “The
Sword and the Sorcerer”. He evidently thought it was a Disney
fantasy romp, safe for us to watch on his toploading VHS. When he saw
the breasts, he realised he was wrong.
I have seen this film essentially
twice, on the occasion mentioned above, and again when ITV broadcast
it late one night in about 1986 and my folks taped it for me on our
FRONTLOADING video recorder.
The plot, which I can’t remember in
any case, is entirely irrelevant, featuring the medieval Nazi Titus
Cromwell kidnapping heroines to slake his foul desires and engaging a
nasty wizard-monster to help his drive for world domination. “Tonight
I will make love to you as no other man can” he informs the
Princess, before her meaty thump reveals he routinely has to wear an
armoured codpiece when seducing wenches. The wizard, he rather
stupidly double crosses, and it kills him. Probably.
No, it’s not the storyline that grabs
you, essentially yet another in the Conan / Krull / Beastmaster
Fantasy boom of the early 80s. It’s the sword. Where the other
films had to make do with single bladed weapons, Talon the hero
acquires a magical sword that has THREE blades. And not only are
these blades capable of slicing other swords in two, they can be
fired like bullets into the guts of an enemy at the touch of a
button.
 |
| "Cease your wrongdoing, or face my triple bladed wrath unleashed!" |
How I wanted one when I was a child.
Instead, I had to make do with a stick.
The film stands out in others ways. It
is full of nudity, with gratuitous visits to the castle brothel
aplenty. It is also staggeringly cruel, with the hero crucified at a
banquet at one point before freeing himself to stick nails in the
faces of the per-usual clueless enemy soldiers. Other scenes feature
one of the great characters of Fantasy cinema, the shaven headed
palace torturer, as he chews his way through his pain dungeon
shouting lines like “These two didn’t have any more to
say, so I cut out their tongues” and “Don’t worry little girl,
it won’t hurt until I hit the bone.” Classic.
For some reason, I can’t remember the
film being shown on British TV for well over twenty years, and the
DVD is pricey. Come on Horror or SyFy, get your finger out!
Copyright Bloody
Mulberry 09/10/2013
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