The Intricacies of Multi-Dimensional Yoga

Just down the road from me is a yoga studio, yes that’ll be the place, another of those middle class emporia of spirituality, an overheated pine floored sweat box, where people get convo-knotted while things happen with their chakras.

All the lazy cliches any jealous, stiff as a board writer might fingerspit on to his keyboard as he feels his back begin to ache yet again, the fool. Yet, I always feel a faint contempt, spritzered with a splash of envy as I cycle past the yogistas every Thursday, either arriving or leaving, purple and green mats rolled up in a professional manner, leggings on the women, loose Boris Becker type shorts on the the men.

And yes, the cliche spits out again, there is more than a whiff of “the organic” about most of them.

The thing that amazes me is the number of them. Not that there’s many people interested in yoga in this town, but that they can all fit into the tiny end terraced house the studio is located in. It really is small, it must be like a yoga tardis up there to have so many people doing sun salutations in a two up two down.

This led me to wonder - perhaps the studio isn’t extra dimensional, but the yoga practitioners are.

Imagine, when doing your bow position, or dying dog, or cervix of the moon (half or full), in a crowded studio full of sweat trained buttock leggings shoved into your face, how much more comfortable it would be if you could alter your quantum state to actually move your ankles through your things, or sink your head back right into your back. Do the standing splits and pull your calf through your head, and that of the ripe old hippy next to you.

As well as alteration of quantum state, utilising my beloved eleventh dimension would enable more yoga folk to fill the space, than there is actual three dimensional space. But in order to maintain the eleventh dimensional bubble, they have to carry out ultra low frequency Hindu chants that warp space time and cause earthquakes on the far side of the world.

Sometimes the yoga carried out is of such intensity, the dimensional bubble opens up completely into the brane dimension, and the yogis can communicate with other alien contortionists...invertebrates who can fold up their 256, light year long tentacles into a the nucleus of an atom, insectoids who carry universes instead of wings within their shells and thus cause a big bang every time they do a cobra position.

There are even universes where Lycra itself is a highly developed life form.

No wonder the yogani look so contented when they come out of their tiny studio, mats dripping. While I scoff, their spiritual antics have indeed taken them to a higher plane of existence.

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 20.07.14