Shark Attack!!!

I was reading yesterday that a new mobile phone app has been released for the purpose of warning against shark attacks.

My first thought was that it would only be much use on a waterproof phone – Sony Xperia Z users, may your legs ever remain unsevered! - and would presumably flash up huge letter warnings saying “SHIT!!! BEHIND YOU!!!”

By which time it would probably be too late.

Of course, we know now that you don't just need a shark attack app in the sea, oh no. Sharknado shows that if you are caught in a tornado, you'd best turn on the shark attack app instead of the weather warning one. Caught in the desert? Don't bother with google mapping for an oasis; whip out your i phone and check for a shoal of sand dwelling white pointers. And now it seems that a shark attack app is needed as much for skiers as swimmers; avalanches are a habitat for deadly ocean predators.

Heading for Venice? Don't forget the shark attack app, and for the love of god don't take a temporary job poleing gondolas about. Don't forget the app if you are visiting a facility where octopus DNA is being experimented on, and steer clear of swamps, prehistoric times, and John Barrowman. And if you are Samuel L. Jackson, I'm not sure any app could save you.

In fact, just keep the shark attack app on the go at all times. Even sitting on your sofa. For you never know, even the safest looking DFS sale bought corner unit could house a deadly mako or hammerhead, just waiting to leap out from the chintz and devour you, anus first.

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 30.12.13

Sharknado and other Creature/Weather fusion movies

A Guardian piece today drew my attention to the existence of "Sharknado", and it also crops up on Total Film's list of the worst promo posters of the Cannes Festival.

http://www.totalfilm.com/features/cannes-2013-s-worst-funniest-movie-posters

Sharknado, obviously, stands out.

Shark movies lend themselves effortlessly to terrible movie publicity; remember Sand Sharks and Sharktopus amongst a million others? They also lend themselves to terrible films like Jaws IV: the Revenge, and John Barrowman's pussy eating dialogue fest Shark Attack 3: The Megaladon. But I think Sharknado ratchets up the idiocy level another notch, The Asylum taking a natural phenomenon that we've just seen in Oklahoma is quite deadly enough without throwing a load of Great Whites into the mix. And how do the sharks themselves survive being whipped around at 200mph in a fairly non watery environment? All that torn up wood and weatherboard must clog their gills.

Starring Tara Reid, whose career since American Pie seems to have been a mirror image of Alyson Hannigan's, it looks like the Asylum have come up with a (straight to) DVD cover before they came up with the actual film. But, it does make wonder what other weather - creature fusion movies could there be? "Pirana Hail"? "Jellyfog"? "Panthronimbulus"? "A Light Drizzle of Killer Ants"?

I like the idea of Jellyfog in particular; imagine the terror of feeling the deadly sting of a Queensland box jellyfish or irukanji down the back of your neck as you walk to work in an autumn fog.

If I could draw, I could come up with the one-sheet myself.