"My Only Wish, to Catch a Fish"

I am a sociapathic criminal, alone in my lair with my devil ponderings.

I have so many enemies. I have a very large pond concealed under a false floor that drops away when I press a button on my megalomaniac console – don't worry, I also have an app on my mobile phone if I'm walking around a bit – but its deep, dark water is empty.

I have no suitable predators to put in it yet.

The agony of choice...

To have a concealed pool full of sharks, well, that jumped the shark years ago. Bloody Blofed and his Selachian cliches. Besides, they are protected, and as a committed environmentalist I cannot use an endangered species to tear my enemies limb from limb. I was a big fan of Steve Irwin, I used to love watcing him getting chased up trees by Komodo Dragons,  so I'm not going to use Stingrays. Horrible things. Frisbees with a toxic prong.

Jeremy Wade teaches us that there are many dangerous fish in the rivers of the world. The beautiful arapaima of South America, the repulsive, slimy wels catfish of Europe and the prehistoric looking giant alligator gars of America. All of these have their merits, but they are difficcult to transport and would struggle with captive living I suspect.

Piranhas schmiranas. All been done before. And as Jeremy Wade has shown, they aren't always that deadly. Sometimes, they are just too docile to strip a human being to the bone to order.

The other problem with most of these species is that they are a bit dull to look at. Electric eels can kill for fun, but they look like the inside of someone's colon. I man, urgh. For an aesthetic villain such as myself, no dice.

So, I made a decision. What fish could be better to keep in a freshwater tank than a neon tetra? The most familiar exotic aquarium specimen of all, beautiful, glowing red and blue ornaments to any fish tank.

Te trouble is, they only grow an inch long. They aren't going to eat many people at that size. But, genetics my friends! Even now my scientists are researching a way to make them grow to three metres long, with teeth like daggers and an irresistible desire for human flesh. No mtter how many men, women and children I throw to them, they will come back for more.

And my flesh eating fish will be as pretty as faeries, and swim amid their plastic pirate ships and treasure trunks. And my fortress of suffering SHALL BE COMPLETE!!!!

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 25.03.15