"My Only Wish, to Catch a Fish"

I am a sociapathic criminal, alone in my lair with my devil ponderings.

I have so many enemies. I have a very large pond concealed under a false floor that drops away when I press a button on my megalomaniac console – don't worry, I also have an app on my mobile phone if I'm walking around a bit – but its deep, dark water is empty.

I have no suitable predators to put in it yet.

The agony of choice...

To have a concealed pool full of sharks, well, that jumped the shark years ago. Bloody Blofed and his Selachian cliches. Besides, they are protected, and as a committed environmentalist I cannot use an endangered species to tear my enemies limb from limb. I was a big fan of Steve Irwin, I used to love watcing him getting chased up trees by Komodo Dragons,  so I'm not going to use Stingrays. Horrible things. Frisbees with a toxic prong.

Jeremy Wade teaches us that there are many dangerous fish in the rivers of the world. The beautiful arapaima of South America, the repulsive, slimy wels catfish of Europe and the prehistoric looking giant alligator gars of America. All of these have their merits, but they are difficcult to transport and would struggle with captive living I suspect.

Piranhas schmiranas. All been done before. And as Jeremy Wade has shown, they aren't always that deadly. Sometimes, they are just too docile to strip a human being to the bone to order.

The other problem with most of these species is that they are a bit dull to look at. Electric eels can kill for fun, but they look like the inside of someone's colon. I man, urgh. For an aesthetic villain such as myself, no dice.

So, I made a decision. What fish could be better to keep in a freshwater tank than a neon tetra? The most familiar exotic aquarium specimen of all, beautiful, glowing red and blue ornaments to any fish tank.

Te trouble is, they only grow an inch long. They aren't going to eat many people at that size. But, genetics my friends! Even now my scientists are researching a way to make them grow to three metres long, with teeth like daggers and an irresistible desire for human flesh. No mtter how many men, women and children I throw to them, they will come back for more.

And my flesh eating fish will be as pretty as faeries, and swim amid their plastic pirate ships and treasure trunks. And my fortress of suffering SHALL BE COMPLETE!!!!

Copyright Bloody Mulberry 25.03.15

Ye Olde Terminator

My head spends an awful lot of time on idle thinking. Such things may or may not include...

1) - A meeting at the Bond Villain's volcano headquarters. Blofeld type chap sits at the end of the table, stroking his squashed face ugly Persian cat with one hand while fiddling with a cigar cutter with the other. Henchman sit around, fat ones, thin ones, scared ones, oriental ones, ones missing eyes, ones missing limbs. There is a solitary woman amongst them, sporting the correct number of eyes, arms and legs, but looking rather chubby.

"Gentlemen, before we discuss the implementation of "Operation Terror" can I just take this opportunity to give our best wishes to Jacqui from HR, who is going on maternity - and by the way, it isn't mine! Seriously, we wish you all the best, and enjoy being a mum!"

The fingers sporting rings containing poison pick up an envelope from Clinton's Cards. A factotum with a claw for a hand passes a bunch of Waitrose flowers over. A tin of Celebrations is opened, everyone goes straight for the malteser ones.

Well, it happens like this in every fucking workplace I've been in, why not Doctor Death's?

2) Due to navigation error, the Terminator goes too far back in time and finds himself having to kill a 13th Century ancestor of Sarah Connor. Naked, he first has to cloth himself.

"I want your jerkin, your bootikins, and your donkey" he announces to a passing peasant, before taking himself off down the Blacksmith's to get tooled up.

"I want a phased pulse rifle in the 40 megawatt range"

"Prithee Sire, only what you see!"

"The sword, the dagger, and the mace"

"A fine choice young master. All these weapons would surely grace a stout castle, which art thine fancy?"

"All of dem."

"Crivens! Thou shalt not do that, my liege."

"Wrong."

SWIPPPPPPPPEEEEEEE....kudummmmm